Fresh hop harvesting season is a dangerous time of the year. Sure, it might seem all humulus lupulus, alpha acid, IBU, and fresh piney resinous oils to you, but behind the curtain there is a seedy underbelly of characters you would never wish to meet. Luckily The New School has put together a guide on how to survive the Fresh Hop season.
The last person you would ever want to meet is this character, the Fresh Hop Führer himself, Bill, aka @itspubnight. If he catches you he won't let you go until you agree that there is no such thing as wet hop beer, fresh hopped Mirror Pond is the greatest beer of all time, and that all pub crawls must double back on the same location.
The first roadblock to the hopfields is typically the resident hopyard guard dog. In the photo above, the dog is pacified by the fresh hops, but do not rustle him. It is best to let sleeping hop dogs lie.
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| Roscoe's Quyen Ly loses track of the path |
Hop farmers guard their crop with machetes and are twice as ruthless and brutal as the cocaine dealers you might find in Columbia.
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| These 2 ain't nothing to fuck wit' |
If the hop farmers catch you, they may send you to "sleep with the lupulus" by drowning you in a sea of freshly kilned Cascade hops like the poor girl pictured above.
They may also send you through the hop separator that is meant to be used to separate the cones from the bines. Photo above taken just before Roscoe's Quyen Ly met his maker.
Even small children are not safe from a hoppy death.
If you're lucky they will let you work off your debt raking kilned hops onto a conveyor belt for packaging and then send you off into the world as a warning. NEVER FORGET those who have lost their lives to bring you these beers. The best way to show your appreciation is by attending the...
Hood River Hops Fest
Saturday September 29th 12-9pm
Between 5th & 7th Streets and Cascade and Columbia Streets in downtown Hood River
More info here
I wish this was a scratch + sniff article
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