Vaginal Sour Beer Is Now A Real Thing

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Forget about New England-style IPAs, the new hotness is vaginal bacteria sour ales. The next time Budweiser airs a commercial mocking our vagina fermented craft beers, I will have a more difficult time pretending to be offended. Like the Republican party to Donald Trump, we may have to disown this Polish-made “homebrewed” brand called “The Order of Yoni” that is launching a beer made with lactic acid bacteria sourced from a Czech model’s vagina. Rather than purchase a Fleshlight rubber mold of a pornstar’s vag, this brewery is trying to sell a beer that lets you “Try her taste, feel her smell, hear her voice…” Even worse, they expect us to fund the distasteful venture in an Indiegogo crowdfunding campaign.

If just the opening paragraph was not offensive enough, the claim that, “the bacteria, lactobacillus, transfers a woman’s features, allure, grace, glamour, and her instincts into beers and other products, turning them into a dance with lovely angel” might make you feel as queasy and disgusted as it did me. 

I have heard of fermenting beer from vaginal yeast, before but Lactobacillus bacteria is a new one. Similar previous attempts were experiments that some may find gross but hardly offensive. This brands approach is to literally sell you on purchasing “a woman of your dreams, your object of desire.”

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The name “Yoni” is sanskrit for “vagina,” and the logo looks like a facebook vagina emoticon. I thought the Polish brewers would be more classy than this. Somehow they have even enlisted a Czech model to be the face and vagina for this beer. But if you are not interested in dark-haired beauties like Alexandra, your money will help fund the follow-up beers, like a much anticipated BDSM ale, made with smoked plums and vaginal bacteria from a redhead or brunette. Or a blonde ale made with wheat, saffron, vaginal bacteria from a blond-haired model or “celebrity,” and, of course, edible gold.

However, if you really have a few extra ducats and a kinky girlfriend, they will make 60 bottles of beer using her vaginal bacteria for only €10,000. *May require a visit to a gynecologist in Poland or Germany.

Samurai Artist
Samurai Artist

Founder of The New School and most frequent contributor Ezra Johnson-Greenough has worked in the craft beer industry for almost 10 years, doing everything from illustrating beer labels to bartending at renowned beer bars and breweries like Belmont Station, Apex, Laurelwood and Upright Brewing. He has also had a hand in creating events like the Portland Fruit Beer Festival, Portland Beer Week, and the Brewing up Cocktails series. He is available for freelance consultation in marketing, events, graphic design and branding. Contact: SamuraiArtist@NewSchoolBeer.com

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